dear Jacques Magazine,

just who do you think you are? if i wanted to look at some broad with real breasts wearing ragged clothes and almost no makeup, i’d open up a six pack of Schmitts and stare at my god damn girlfriend! now listen, i know you haven’t been around for too long, so i’m going to help you out like the great guy american i am and tell you what you need to do. now first things first. get yourselves together a few hundred dollars and go buy a little program called FUCKING PHOTOSHOP cause if i see one more freckle, one more wrinkle, or one more dimple where there shouldn’t be one, i am going to puke my guts out! got it? next, a little clue for you all… nobody gives a shit about style or setting in a porn mag, so drop the whole artsy-fartsy look and just give us what we want, close-up’s! that’s right, really zoom it on in there if you can. hell, don’t even worry about showing off her face if she’s pretty, nobodies going to notice anyway. finally one last note, nobody likes a tease! if i’m looking at naked ladies, i want to see freakin’ naked ladies; no shirts, no skirts, no shorts, just skin. there’s nothing sexy or sensuous about trying to imagine what a woman may or may not be hiding underneath a tight fitting t-shirt, or loose silk kimono. besides, who has the time for all that thinking anyway? not meee… now i hope you take these suggestions seriously and shape up, otherwise i’m not so sure you’ll be around much longer. after all, the last thing this world needs is another Sears catalog to jerk off to.


Kenny Powers